Who cares whether you win or not - just take part!

Someone gave me a 'friendship book' for Christmas 2020. I was just flicking through it and re-read the entry for Monday, 31 August. I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment, even if it expressed rather tweely (zuckersüß, kitschig, allzu niedlich):

Dad had taken his children - all under twelve - to a café to recharge their batteries. They still wore their numbers from a nearby cross-country run.

As they passed, I asked, "Was it a good run?"

The two older ones nodded politely and said it had been.

The third child, being younger, cared less about politeness.

"I got up early this morning," she told me, "and I still came in last."

Dad explained there had been a big turn-out.

"Ah," I sympathised. Then I added, "But you still beat the hundreds of thousands of people who stayed in their beds."

"I never thought of that!" she said brightly, recharged more by the thought, it seemed, than the breakfast she had just finished.

Stunned by the German Studies course at Manchester University

Many moons ago, after leaving school (no-one in the UK 'graduated' from school in those days), I went on to do a degree in German Studies (what the Germans would call Germanistik) at Manchester University. Thanks to a good word put in for me by my German teacher, I got an offer of two grade Cs at A level and since I got an A (English), B (German) and C (French), I was able to accept the offer and study there.

In the first year, we had the autumn term to familiarise ourselves with linguistics, so that after Christmas of the first year, we could then start with mediaeval literature: Walther von der Vogelweide, Reinmar der Alte, two sections of Das Nibelungenlied, Parsifal etc. 

At the same time, we were doing other literary works, too. In parallel. Basically, I feel that we read nearly everything from 1120 to the 1960s (Alfred Andersch, Peter Handke and Martin Walser are three names I remember from the modern times). Plays, novels, novellas....

I've still got 21 Reclam editions on my shelf: Ernst Toller, Adelbert Stifter, Ludwig Tieck, Carl Sternheim, Ferdinand Raimund, Möricke (got a soft spot for that poet), Conrad Ferdinand Meyer (couldn't get into Das Amulett, but Der Heilige was one of my top three books at university and one I've re-read at least three times and will do again), Otto Ludwig, Lessing, Kleist, E.T.A Hoffmann, Friedrich Hebbel, Franz Grillparzer (4 works by him), Theodor Fontane, Berthold Auerbach...to name but a few. Not to mention Berthold Brecht - a firm favourite of one lecturer.

A very long time ago, before everything was on the Internet, I wrote to one of the lecturers asking for the current reading list. I wanted some new inspiration. The lecturer kindly wrote back, attaching the information and said that the new students could not do what we had done: start reading works of German literature. Apparently, they needed a lot of remedial grammar.

Over the years, I've checked what the content of the current German Studies degree at Manchester was in order to get ideas as to what novels I could read next. Well, over the years, the content has changed radically. A few years ago, when I last checked, there were very few books and more courses that involved watching films. 

Last week, I checked again and I do believe that you can do the entire three-year degree course without reading any German literature from cover to cover. In fact, I couldn't find one literary work as compulsory reading. You can check what I'm saying by looking at this page:

https://www.manchester.ac.uk/study/undergraduate/courses/2021/00237/ba-german-studies/course-details/#course-profile

In Year 1, they still have the German linguistics bit, but no Nibelungenlied any more. You may think that the mediaeval stuff is irrelevant in today's world, but the mediaeval literature was wonderful. Just like Chaucer in England. Or Chretien de Troyes in France. It gives me great pleasure to read what someone wrote 1,000 years ago. And to realise that people are still the same today. Also, Germany is steeped in the mediaeval and when you've read works from that period, and know the stories of the Nibelungenlied, they add flavour to the old parts of German towns.

Now, to get into Manchester, their usual offer is AAB grades. If you have an A level in Germany, how come you need three languages courses in the first year? I had five years of German at school and we were flung straight into lots of literature at Manchester every week. The non-language course entitled Revolution and Reaction in German Culture has not got one book in German about the topics discussed. We had to read secondary literature (books about the books) in both German and English.

Year 2 and there are two more language courses. We, on the other hand, had no grammar lessons whatsoever. Translation into German and translation into English, but we did this by ourselves and there were no grammar exercises. The course entitled Weimar Culture? Art, Film and Politics in Germany, 1918-33 has not one book in German on the reading list. Likewise the course Spectres of Fascism: Literature, Film and Visual Arts in Germany and Austria since 1945. You'd think that there were no German culture before the 20th century.

In the final year,  they are still doing an hour of grammar and essay-writing skills. There are also two non-language courses: Screening the Holocaust (films - can't read books...toooo haaaaard) and finally, a course that acknowledges that Germany existed before World War 1: Culture and Society in Germany 1871-1918. And no German books on the reading list. 

Manchester, therefore, has gone from being a literature-based German degree to a language-based German degree and not a single work of German literature is no longer on the reading lists. What an achievement.

I am flabbergasted. And I pity these students who will never know the great fun of, say, Gregorius by Hartmann von Aue - double incest and he still ends up Pope. (Mediaeval literature is so cool.) They'll never know what an old goat Goethe was in his pursuit of women. They'll never know the beauty of some of the poems of Joseph von Eichendorff, Theodor Storm and Heinrich Heine. They won't have fun with Kleider machen Leute or Der zerbrochene Krug. They'll never discover Heinrich Böll, whose Irisches Tagebuch is much appreciated by one English woman I know here. These literary works reflect German history and the development of German thought and society. How can you learn about these things without getting to grips with German thoughts, ideas and history in the original language?

I like to think that Goethe would be spinning in his grave.

What am I paying a German TV licence for?

As is often said these days, it's only old people who watch TV live. Personally, I prefer to watch things later, when it is convenient for me to do so and, more importantly, when the entire series is over. I don't like watching a long series on a week-to-week basis. I like to binge-watch and get the whole story over and done with in one single day.

Now, at the BBC, the archive or 'Mediathek' as the Germans call it, is named the BBC iPlayer. Over on ITV, it is known as the ITV Hub. Thanks to the Beebs app, I can access these two channels (as well as Channel 4) and watch whatever I like, when I like.

If I want to watch Death in Paradise (which is also shown on German TV, but dubbed so that everyone sounds exactly the same as everyone else in every other German TV series), if I have a fancy to watch Death in Paradise, I can watch ALL 10 SERIES. All the episodes are available to watch at any time.

The same goes for Silent Witness. All 21 series available right now on the BBC iPlayer. True, the ITV Hub doesn't have loads and loads of episodes of its major series there, but ITV is not covered by the BBC TV licence. (ITV stands for Independent Television.)

So, I can watch entire series of Luther, Spiral (French/BBC production), Montalbano (Italian), oh, all sorts of crime fiction...along with comedies, soaps (not for me) and documentaries.

Here in Germany, ever since 2013, every household has been forced to pay for a TV licence. Whether you have a television set or not. I have never had one. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, however, I could watch live via Zattoo or enter the 'Mediatheken' of the various TV channels.

I have recently discovered the comedy crime series Hubert und Staller (and later, when one actor dropped out - Hubert ohne Staller). There have been 10 series so far, with over 148 episodes. 

Guess how many episodes you can find in the various archives of the German TV channels? Two. A measly two episodes.

Seeing as how I am paying more than 17 euros a month for a German TV and radio licence, I'd like some bloody service. 

The BBC TV licence costs less than the German TV licence and that guarantees absolutely no commercials. The German TV licence raises EUR 7.5 billion a year (equivalent to a euro from every man, woman and child on the planet) and then rakes in a further 500,000,000 (half a billion) euros in advertising.

And with all that money, they can't make their TV series available online? Why? What the hell am I paying all this money to them for when they don't provide me with entertainment?

Can you tell how much I resent paying for the German TV licence?

You mean you actually have a design degree?

When I walk around the streets and pass by ground-floor apartments, I look to see what is standing on the window sills. Not too far away from me is a window with some cat ornaments in them.

One cat ornament is a hideous little thing of a cat with a welcome sign hanging off a chain that it's holding in its mouth. Sort of like this - only the one I saw is blackish and at least three times more hideous:

This level of hideousness in fact:

Now, what really amazes me is not the fact that someone with limited aesthetic development has actually spent their hard-earned cash on such an object. No, it's the fact that someone who actually graduated from design school thought that what was sorely lacking in this world was a cat with a welcome sign dangling from its mouth.

They spent years in design school and came up with these things. What is even more extraordinary is that someone then agreed to produce these hideous little articles and - even more astounding - that a buyer in a shop thought that placing an order for these items would be a good idea. The shop believed it could make a profit and keep going by selling such horrible little things. 

However, hideous design is not limited to cats with welcome signs in their mouths. No, how about this example:

Isn't that what your heart has long desired? A naked gnome on a toilet.

Or how about this to welcome guests to your home?

It comes with motion sensors so that, when you walk past it on the way to the door of the house, it makes a noise. You can guess what kind of noise, I'm sure.

Ornaments to give you nightmares:

I'm fond of rodents, but that would give me the heebie-jeebies.

What medication were they on when they came up with those shoes? And who agreed to make them? And who sold them?

The problem with most cyclists is...

...that they don't have a driving licence.

They shoot out of driveways without looking left and right to see if anything is coming on the pavement. They pull out without a backward glance over their shoulder to see if anything is already coming up behind them. They fail to stop at road junctions when the users of the road crossing theirs actually have right of way. They jump traffic lights. They cut corners. They ride on the wrong side of the road.

If drivers behaved like cyclists, there would be carnage on the roads. Bodies would be piled high. 

A couple of years ago, I took some driving lessons just to keep up my driving skills and the driving instructor told me that taking a driving test at the age of 18 and straight after Abitur (A levels) was no longer a 'rite of passage'. Thanks to the good and affordable public transport system here in this area, teenagers didn't need to rely on private transport to get around.

However, when they got to a certain stage in their career - so the instructor told me - they find that they are in sudden need of a driving licence when their employer states that they need one for their job - to go with the company car they'll be getting. The instructor, therefore, had a lot of people learning to drive in their mid-30s. Until that age, they have had no idea about the rules of the road.

In the UK, the Highway Code - the 'bible' for people learning to drive and wishing to take their driving test - includes sections for pedestrians, horse riders, cyclists and motorcycle riders. This is not the case in Germany. When I came here many years ago and acquired a second-hand bicycle, I went to the local library and went to the 'learning to drive' section and enquired where the section on cyclists in the book was. Reader - there was none. And the librarian couldn't really understand what I wanted. Road rules for cyclists? What are they?

A few weeks ago, I was setting off on an afternoon walk. The pavement has a cycle path to the left and a part for pedestrians on the right. The three people in front of me were all on the right-hand side of the path: two young women and a man behind them. As the women were rather slow, the man started to walk faster to overtake them. But...and this is the main point here... but before he stepped onto the cycle path to overtake them, he looked over his shoulder to see if anything was coming up behind him. 

When I saw this, I caught up with him and asked him whether or not he had a driving licence. He had. Shame most cyclists don't. They'd then have some better road manners. As it is, I feel that cyclists are a bigger threat to me than drivers. Even when I'm on a bike myself.

Time for me to fight back, I think.

 Today, just entering my street, I saw a jogger heading in the same direction, so I went to one side, near the building, leaving all the rest of the pavement - about 2 m at least - free for the young, male jogger to run past me.

What did the bastard actually do? He squeezed between the building and me and was so close that my hand touched his T-shirt and body as he passed by. When I shouted at him, he didn't turn back, look at me or react in any way whatsoever.

When I was a student, I was attacked by a young man from behind when walking in a residential area - houses all along the streets - and for at least 20 years, I hit out at anyone coming up behind me. Time to start lashing out again.

Last week, I went through the park but on one of the roads at the back - between the park and the graveyard. It's a broad road - cars can pass by each other when travelling in both directions. A couple - two joggers, male and female. On the other side of the street, jogging towards me. I'm on the far right-hand side of the street when all of a sudden, the young, tall man starts jogging towards me. Why? And when I shout at him to keep away, he looks at me as though I'm overreacting. Have people not heard of this pandemic? The 7-day-incidence is on the rise again.

I should have clouted him with my shopping bag. He could have been trying to mug me. How would I know?

Time to lash out and make sure bastards like these thoughtless, selfish young men understand that they are obliged to keep their distance from women they don't know. Especially when they are running at speed towards them.

Cute German graffito

 On a sticker on a lamppost in a park nearby: Hobbys? Ich bin gern wach. (Hobbies? Well, I like being awake.)

It always makes me smile. Sadly, though, when I asked my young Japanese teenage students what their hobbies were sleeping was usually what they said. That and shopping.

Why is getting a dose of the Covid-19 vaccine rather like sex?

 One little prick and it's all over.

Are you deaf, blind or just dumb?

 I could scream sometimes at people's inability to think things out. When out and about, what really gets me annoyed is the way that people keep banging on these things...

...at traffic lights in the mistaken belief that they will make the lights change faster.

People, if that were the case, then what you would be pressing would look like this:

The hand on it tells you to press and the red words that come after pressing on it are a hint that you have done something that will alter the speed at which the green man will come on.

Going back to the other device commonly found at road crossings...

...you will note that there is no hand and you don't get any words in red. What you do see are two symbols. The yellow circle with three dots in it is a symbol that means 'deaf person'. When you walk around town, you might see a badge like this on a person's lapel. That means "I am deaf".

The white stick, on the other hand, is a commonly accepted symbol to denote a blind person. 

Yes, folks, these devices are intended to tell the deaf and/or blind when it is safe to cross. The blue bit at the top should vibrate to let a deaf person know when the lights have changed and they can cross. A blind person will hear a continuous beeping noise, which is different to the usual clicking sound that tells a blind pedestrian where the traffic light is.

And if you feel underneath this device, you will notice an arrowhead that points forward. It might be at an angle; it might point straight ahead. What this arrowhead does is tell the blind person the direction he or she should walk in to get to the other side safely. 

You can bang on these devices all you like, it won't make a blind bit of difference. You might think, "Oh, look - I've banged my hand on this thing and two seconds later the lights changed for me." That is pure coincidence. 

Most roads are very complicated, with trams, buses, cars and cyclists all competing for road space and often many different roads in one junction. Do you seriously believe that everything is going to come to a halt every time someone wants it to? Most road crossings are on a timer. The only time you will get a device with a hand on it and the red words is when the road is relatively quiet (e.g. in the country) or when the junction is relatively simple and not many people want to cross there. I know of only one such place in this town.

So... the next time you stand next to one of these devices with the deaf and blind symbol on it, understand that it's not for you and there is no need to bang it or touch it - unless you are truly dumb.

If you want more explanations of these devices, here it is in German:

.https://www.absv.de/die-blindenampel