And this film is a comedy, you say?

Last month, I took myself off to the cinema to see a German film: Extrawurst with a local German actor, Hape (short for Hans-Peter) Kerkeling.

The word "Extrawurst" translates literally as "extra sausage", but it means figuratively "special treatment". 

The film opens at a committee meeting of a golf club. The chairman is merely rubber-stamping [durchwinken] the decisions he makes, not giving the vice-chairman a chance to get a word in edgeways [auch mal zum Wort kommen]. Just when they want to wrap up the meeting, a woman gets up and proposes buying a second barbecue grill so that the Muslims don't have to eat food that has been cooked on the same grill that has had pork sausages on it. 

The chairman points out that the golf club has only one Muslim member and the man in question says he is quite happy with the current situation and doesn't need any special treatment.

This is all in the first 5 minutes or so... and then the argument really kicks off. And continues for the next 40 or 45 minutes - non-stop. Really. Just as you think they've calmed down and have agreed on a solution, then everything flares up [aufflackern] again. 

The insults and accusations each of the five main characters throw at each other are very close to the true thoughts of many man and woman in the street. I've heard or read these thoughts and ideas over the years coming out of the mouths of ordinary people. It was shocking to hear them all come out, relentlessly, one after the other. You couldn't laugh. Really, you couldn't. 

The only bit of laughter from me was when a ball machine that was being repaired in the maintenance man's small room suddenly started up and balls went flying all around the room, sometimes actually hitting the people inside it.

Another woman laughed as a chairlift at Hape Kerkeling's home went wrong and threw him onto the floor and against a wall. She laughed for at least 5 minutes. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there aghast [fassungslos] and wondering how someone can laugh at someone's physical discomfort.

One more bit of slapstick [Klamauk] was yet to come towards the end of the film: a woman in a wheelchair rolls down a gentle slope and lands in a pond. Oh, what larks [was für einene Spaß]. Or maybe not.

And this film is classed as a comedy. Right. Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

For a taste of what the film was like, watch the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qwEWk5Gxi4

Carnival? - I'm outta here

It's that time of the year again: the main celebraitons of the Carnival season are getting ever closer.

Now, not all parts of Germany celebrate Carnival, which officially starts on the 11th day of the 11th month of the year. (Unfortunately, this is Remembrance Day in the UK, when everyone commemorates the soldiers fallen in past wars.) Carnival is a big thing in Catholic areas of Germany: Cologne (in particular), Düsseldorf, and Mainz are the largest towns that celebrate the season.

Festivities come to a climax with the parades on Rosenmontag (crazy Monday), which is the day before Shrove Tuesday (also known as Pancake Day in the UK - yum!). People dress up in costumes ranging from cowboys to princesses, astronauts to clowns, pirates to superheroes. On Rosenmontag, long parades consisting of floats with papier-mâché figures, often of a political nature, most famously made by Jacques Tilly. 

Here is one by Jacques Tilly - no words required

The clowns

And the marching bands - Germans do seem to like a uniform

And the people on most of the floats throw sweets (and sometimes other things, like packets of seeds)

Which are eagerly caught by all the people lining the streets

Who are in their colourful costumes

Now, the although Rosenmontag is the main day, there is also Altweiberfastnacht (literally: "old women's fasting night") on the Thursday before that Monday, that is to say on Fat Thursday (yes, really). On this day, women storm the Town Hall and snip off the ends of any man's tie that they can find, a symbolic emasculting gesture. For once, the women are supposed to be in power. 

And, of course, there is no reason not to wear a costume at the weekend and go out drinking and celebrating - until Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, when things get serious again. 

However, what I cannot understand is why so many people announce to me that they are leaving town for a week in order to avoid the Carnival festivities. All these festivities generally take place in the centre of town. 

My solution? Just stay at home. Why go to all the fuss and extra expense to "escape" the noisy people in town? Buy enough food, put your feet up, watch TV, read, play music, go for a walk in a park (no revellers there), phone friends, invite friends around, cook (for yourself or guests), do some DIY, clear out some cupboards, etc.

I can honestly say that in all my life, when I've stayed at home, I've barely noticed Carnival. Just don't go into town.

Punctuation - because it looks pretty

I'm still reeling [taumeln, schwanken] from the message that was passed on to me from a translation client via the agency.

The client said that when they used a colon [:] in the German text, they wanted to see a colon in the English text and not a full stop or a semicolon [;]. 

I replied - via the agency - saying that the way the German use colons and the way the English language uses colons are often two different things.

For one thing, the main rule in English when it comes to colons is that whatever stands in front of the colon MUST be a complete sentence.

For example, it is wrong to write this: "The five continents are: Africa, Asia, Australasia, America and Europe."

This is becuase "The five continents are" does not constitute a complete sentence.

On the other hand, "There are five continents" does. Hence you can write, "There are five continents: Africa, Asia, Australasia, America and Europe."

The woman in the agency sent that explanation on to the client, but, much to her dismay [Bestürzung], and mine, the client wrote back saying that they liked the look of the colon and didn't care about the rules of English.

Fortunately, the woman in the agency said that I should try to keep the colon in wherever possible, but to write correct English. The thing is that the client is a magazine that credits the agency with translating the articles. Who wants to get a reputation for bad translations? Not the agency, and definitely not me either.

Imagine insisting on incorrect punctuation, just because it looks pretty.

We shall see how this goes. 

"Damn! I forgot to pack the mackerel!"

Yes, sitting on the coach heading towards Bavaria on 28 December last year, those words really did pass through my mind. I'd forgotten to pack the mackerel.

Now, why on earth would any sane person think about packing tinned fish when going on a half-board holiday (i.e. with breakfast and a three-course dinner included)?

Well, I'll tell you. In the final days of 2004, when all the world added a new word to their vocabulary (tsunami), I found myself in Hong Kong, visiting a former student of mine. Her parents kindly invited me to join them at a large restaurant on New Year's Eve. Looking around, I think I might have been the only non-Chinese person there. But that didn't faze [stören] me as, during my student days in Manchester and Göttingen, I had often found myself in a room full of people whose language I couldn't understand, be it Chinese, Farsi or Arabic.

Anyway, we sat at a large circular table close to an aquarium, behind which was the kitchen. The father got up, walked over to the fish tank, stabbed a finger in the direction of one hapless [unglückselig] fish swimming past and said, "That one."

About three minutes later, the fish was lying on a plate on the table, gutted, filleted and cooked. Amazing.

The father then told me why it is important to always eat fish on New Year's Eve. Apparently, the fish scales represent coins and if you eat fish, it'll be good for your money luck.

Since then, I've always done that. Even if it's just smoked salmon sandwiches or, in Budapest once, a tuna sandwich from the Subway chain.

As soon as I got to the small Bavarian village where the hotel was, I found the nearest shop selling food and bought some tinned fish and it was a good job I did so, too. The hotel didn't intend serving fish on 31 December, and I didn't feel that great either, so I picnicked in my room and made sure I had my mackerel after all since I really could use some money luck this year.

And now you know what to do in 11.5 months' time to ensure you'll be rolling in it in 2027, too: eat fish.

Song lyrics - past and present

Nearly two years ago - March 2024 to be precise - newspapers informed us, the general public, that song lyrics were getting simpler and more repetitive. 

Recently, I listened to a song by a female duo called - ugh - Wet Leg. (What a revolting name.) They had been lauded [gelobt] in a newspaper article, especially for their big hit entitled Chaise Longue. I thought I'd give them a go and see what all the fuss was about.

As I watched the video and listened to the words, my jaw dropped. THIS is supposed to be good?

I grew up listening to a wide variety of music, including songs from the musicals - thanks to Benny Green's music programme on BBC Radio 2 which relied heavily on what is called the "Great American Songbook", with songs written, for example, by Rogers and Hart, Cole Porter, Irving Berlin, and George and Ira Gershwin. 

Here are the lyrics to "The Way You Look Tonight", written by Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields in 1936:

[Verse 1]
Some day, when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight

[Verse 2]
Yes, you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me, but to love you
And the way you look tonight

[Bridge]
With each word, your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart
And that laugh wrinkles your nose
Touches my foolish heart

[Verse 3]
Lovely, never, never change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it? 'Cause I love you
Just the way you look tonight

[Instrumental Break]

[Bridge]
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish heart

[Verse 3]
Lovely, don't you ever change
Keep that breathless charm
Won't you please arrange it? 'Cause I love you
A-just the way you look tonight

[Outro]
Mm-mm, mm-mm
Just the way you look tonight

And here is a video clip of Fred Astaire singing the song to Ginger Rodgers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIW_Ah0wg-w&list=RDdIW_Ah0wg-w&start_radio=1

I don't listen to BBC Radio 2 much any more because a lot of the old programmes have gone. However, there is still one that I like to listen to every week and that's "Sounds of the 60s" with Tony Blackburn. I find the music of the 60s to be very diverse and, a lot of the time, fun.

Here are the lyrics to a great-sounding 60s oldie: "Daydream" by The Loving Spoonful from 1966, 30 years after the song above:

[Verse 1]
What a day for a daydream
What a day for a daydreamin' boy
And now I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy

[Bridge]
And even if time ain't really on my side
It's one of those days for takin' a walk outside
I'm blowin' the day to take a walk in the sun
And fall on my face in somebody's new-mowed lawn

[Verse 2]
I've been havin' a sweet dream
I've been dreamin' since I woke up today
It's starrin' me and my sweet dream
'Cause she's the one makes me feel this way

[Bridge]
And even if time is passin' me by a lot
I couldn't care less about the dues you say I got
Tomorrow, I'll pay the dues for droppin' my load
A pie in the face for bein' a sleepy bull toad

[Bridge]
And you can be sure that if you're feelin' right
A daydream will last along into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast, you may prick up your ears
Or you may be dreamin' for a thousand years

[Verse 1]
What a day for a daydream
Custom-made for a daydreamin' boy
Now I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy

And this is what it sounds like:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpKFmabCjlw&list=RDDpKFmabCjlw&start_radio=1

Fast forward to 2021 and the debut single of what was then just a duo, Wet Leg.

Here are the lyrics to "Chaise Longue":

[Verse 1]
Mummy, daddy, look at me
I went to school and I got a degree
All my friends call it the big D
I went to school and I got the big D
I got the big D
I got the big D
I got the big D
I went to school and I got the big D

[Verse 2]
Is your muffin buttered?
Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?
Excuse me (What?)
Excuse me (What?)
Hey, you, over there
On the chaise longue, in your underwear
What are you doing sitting down?
You should be horizontal now

[Refrain]
On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, all day long, on thе chaise longue
On the chaisе longue, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue

[Verse 3]
Is your mother worried?
Would you like us to assign someone to worry your mother?
Excuse me? (What?)
Excuse me? (What?)
Hey, you, in the front row
Are you coming backstage after the show?
Because I've got a chaise longue in my dressing room
And a pack of warm beer that we can consume

[Refrain]
On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, on the chaise longue
On the chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue

And here's the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zd9jeJk2UHQ&list=RDZd9jeJk2UHQ&start_radio=1

About halfway through, your mind will probably start to feel somewhat numb. Well, mine did and I had to switch off.

You know what? I think the research was right. Songs have, as one article put it, become "simpler, angrier, self-obsessed and more repetitive". And the ratio of non-repeated lines has increased, with, often, one line repeated ad nauseam [bis zum Erbrechen].

It's no wonder I don't bother with most modern music and return again and again to the music of last century.

If you fancy doing the same, here are some music programmes from BBC Radio 2 that you can listen to at your leisure - no need to listen live:

Sounds of the 60s with Tony Blackburn

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006wqlv/episodes/player

Sounds of the 70s with Bob Harris

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00jlwqd/episodes/player

Sounds of the 80s with Gary Davies

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b03c936z/episodes/player

And if you're young enough to think the 90s had good music, too, here's Sounds of the 90s with Fearne Cotton

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000gkf5

And for those who like musical theatre, here's Elaine Paige's show:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006wqwz/episodes/player

Enjoy!

And you call this..."progress"?

Way back when, before I ventured to make translation my main source of income, I used to teach English as a foreign language, predominantly in language schools as well as in various firms around town, e.g. at Infineon, KPMG, the local branch of the Bundesbank, and PwC. Among others.

In those days, course books came with cassettes so that students could hear voices and accents other than those of their teacher. Language schools could supply you with the equipment to play cassettes, but going into companies, I took this little gadget with me: the Panasonic mini cassette recorder RQ-L31

You could speed up the recording, slow it down and even record stuff of your own (such as my grandmother going through her photo album and telling the stories behind the pictures).

Then came CDs and everyone (apart from me) looked down at the humble cassette and now, I had to buy a portable CD player, plus a separate loudspeaker and the various cables required, including extension cables as the socket in the wall wasn't always close enough to the desk I was sitting at to teach. Hence, instead of one small gadget, I now had schlepp with me this lot:

Something that looked like this:

This speaker: 

And this:

Plus the cables to connect the speaker to the CD. Just so I could do what the mini cassette player could do. Well, not quite. With a cassette, if the student didn't hear a word, you could just go back a few seconds. On a CD, if you missed something, you have to start the entire track from the beginning.

In this day and age, though, that's not good enough. You now need a laptop that can be used with a digital projector. 

That means one of these things:

To ensure that it works in my evening classes, I need that, plus audio cables, plus a cable that connects to the digital projector and the cable to connect to the power (in case the battery runs out). Plus a nice bag to ensure the thing is suitably protected from bumps etc.

HOWEVER, I recently bought a new laptop and, oh my, what a bad buy (or as the Germans say a "Fehlkauf"). The thing is so slim that it doesn't come with an inbuilt CD player or DVD drive so I needed to buy an external one, like this:

And the sound isn't very strong, so I bought something like this, too:

And, of course, all the relevant cables.

All instead of this one little gadget:

And you call this "progress"?

The UK is a United Kingdom? As if!

What the island or group of islands off the north-east coast of France is called depends on what you include in it.

Great Britain - or in German "Grossbritannien" - is the big island that consists of Scotland, Wales and England.

The United Kingdom - das Vereinige Königreich - is Great Britain PLUS Northern Ireland. 

Thirdly, the British Isles refers to Great Britain, Northern Ireland, the Republic of Ireland and all the little islands around those two, including places such as the Northern Isles (e.g. Orkneuy and Shetland), the Inner and Outer Hebrides, the Isle of Man and more than 6,000 (!!!) smaller isles.

But why the sceptic tone in the headline of this piece of writing? Because 'united' is what the so-called United Kingdom isn't. 

Take, for example, the fees charged for studying at university level. I was checking out the prices charged by the Open University the other day. 

If you want to get a Bachelor degree with the Open University and happen to live in England, you will pay, in total, £23,352 for 360 credits spread over 3 to 6 years. Quite a hefty sum, right? Almost as bad as on the Isle of Man or any other foreign country around the world: £24,552.

However, should you happen to live in Scotland, which has a devolved government that thinks that education is important and should be open to all, not just those who can afford it or who don't mind getting into debt, then it costs £7,632. For the entire degree. Just under a third of the price of an undergraduate degree (B.A. or B.Sc.) in England.

It's a similar situation in Wales. Although a tad more: £7,872. And in Northern Ireland, the price is at bargain basement level: £7,440. 

So... when it comes to "united", that's one word you cannot use to describe the UK.