"Help me, doctor! I've been shot by a witch!"

It's not just parts of the body that have misleading or silly names in German; the conditions do, too.

When I was a student in Germany, I remember hearing two little old women talking to each other at a bus stop. "Ich habe Zucker," said one of them. "Ach, du Arme," the other replied.

I wondered what was so bad about having sugar. After all, I've got sugar in my cupboard, too. 

It was later that I found out that 'sugar' was the German way of saying 'diabetes'. "Ich habe Zucker" means "I have diabetes". Weird or what?

But that is topped by the word 'Hexenschuss' - a witch's shot. A witch has shot you and now you have lower back pain. Or in other words 'lumbago', based on the word for that part of the back: the lumbar region.

So when a patient runs into a doctor's surgery runs into the practice yelling, "Helfen Sie mir, Frau Doktor. Ich habe einen Hexenschuss," you'll know that it's nothing worse to worry about than a bit of back pain and you don't have to fear being turned into a frog by the same person who 'shot' them.

Fruchtwasser- not something you'd willingly drink

 I often tell my students, who are learning English, that it's often easier to understand German words as they don't rely so much on Latin and Ancient Greek. A 'eulogy', for example, is a 'Lobrede', a 'praise talk'.

Now when it comes to the world of medicine, although the words used to describe parts of the body and conditions are everyday words, you sometimes have no idea what they actually refer to.

After Mutterkuchen, the 'mother cake' you'd not like to eat as it actually refers to the 'placenta', I would now like to present you with 'Fruchtwasser', or 'fruit water', which actually comes from the same part of the body.

Never, ever, ever order 'Fruchtwasser' in a bar thinking that it is anything like 'fruit juice', just a more dilute version perhaps. 'Fruit water' is the German way of saying 'amniotic fluid', the fluid that surrounds the embryo (the 'fruit' of a woman's body).

Who said German isn't a funny language?

Brexit - very fishy

 One of the problems that is holding up the conclusion of a trade deal between the UK and the EU is fishing rights. 

The UK wants to 'take back control'. That is the whole point of Brexit. And taking back control includes the control over who gets to fish in British waters. That should be the prerogative of British fisherfolk only. Foreigners keep out!

The EU wants to keep the status quo, to continue doing what it's been doing for the last few decades. The British are adamant that that will not be possible.

Now, in terms of national wealth, marine fishing accounts for 0.04% of gross value added  and fishing ports around the UK employ only 12,000 people.  (Source: https://www.euronews.com/2020/10/15/brexit-and-fishing-rights-will-battle-for-control-of-seas-torpedo-trade-deal).

EU fishermen get about 60% of their fish from British waters.

The thing is, though, that what the British fishermen catch at sea and what the EU fishermen catch at sea are vastly different.

Here's an excerpt from a Guardian article: "Furthermore, the UK imports almost twice as much fish as it exports, with the top five being cod, tuna, prawns, salmon and haddock. 

I think haddock might be found in British waters, but the rest aren't. They are much further out from the shore than the waters under UK control. In return, the Continentals are very fond of herring, unlike the British. I suppose they'll have to develop a taste for them now.

As The Guardian points out: "The impact of a hard Brexit on trade would make these [the five types of seafood mentioned above] more expensive, the researchers found. The impact would also hit UK fish farms, which export most of their products, and the fish processing industry, which relies on imports.

“While the domestic fish price goes down, the price of the imported fish goes up quite a lot,” said Heleen Bartelings at WUR. “There is also an impact on [farmed fish] and processed fish products – both become more expensive. So it is only a small part of the UK fish sector that is less expensive and the rest is more expensive.”"

Read more about this madness here: 

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/apr/24/hard-brexit-would-mean-more-and-cheaper-british-fish-but-theres-a-catch

and here

https://ec.europa.eu/fisheries/press/eu-fish-market-2019-edition-out-everything-you-wanted-know-about-eu-market-fish-and-seafood_en#:~:text=Which%20are%20the%20fishes%20most,of%20total%20volumes%20in%202017.

And because of this, there is a risk that the UK will crash out of the EU on 1 January with no deal. 

What happened to the 'easiest deal in history'?

Life-changing books

 I'm a big reader. When I die, there'll be a good chance that I'll die with a book in my hand. 

Thankfully, I don't have to buy all the books and audiobooks I enjoy as there are libraries. I'm currently a member of three; I used to belong to four.

Anyway, over time, there have been certain books that have had a big influence of me and here they are:

1. Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feymann and What Do You Care What Other People Think?: Further Adventures of a Curious Character, both of which consisted of transcribed and edited oral reminiscences from Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard P. Feynman.

Basically, this physicist played the bongos in a samba band in Brazil, learnt Spanish and then Brazilian Portuguese, did Japanese calligraphy, learnt the skill of breaking into safes and did drawings. I decided that I - who was always labelled 'a linguist' simply because I liked languages - would do a science degree. Luckily, the Open University started to offer degrees to students in the EU and I grabbed the chance to do a B.Sc. in Environmental Studies, gaining a first-class honours degree years later. The S102 Science Foundation Course was one of the best things I have ever done.

2. Wheat Belly by Dr William Davis

After 15 years of running from one doctor to another - starting in London and continuing in Germany - I was looking at the Amazon website one day and followed up a recommendation (People who bought this book also bought this one...). 

As I read through the reviews of other readers, I thought, "Hang about. Those are my symptoms." I downloaded the book to my Kindle, read half of it in one sitting and then started to put the theory into practice the next morning. 9 March 2013 will go down in history for me. Within 24 hours, some of the symptoms that had plagued me for 15 years (and even more.. it takes a while before I start to go to a doctor) started to clear up. Some took a few months to disappear; the dermatitis still plagues me even today. But, oh, the vast improvement to my overall health and mood.

3. Fat Chance: The Hidden Truth About Sugar, Obesity and Disease by Dr Robert Lustig along with

4. Why We Get Fat: And What To Do About It by Gary Taubes.

Basically, fat doesn't make you fat; sugar makes you fat. When you put sugar, any starchy food or basically anything that goes under the label of 'carbohydrate' into your body, that is when the body releases insulin. Insulin goes into the blood and picks up any sugar (starch or carbohydrate - call it what you will) in your blood and uses it to make energy. Any sugar surplus to requirements gets turned into fat and is stored in the body, just in case the body needs energy later on. Fat is stored energy, which is stored sugar (or carbohydrate). Carbs include the sugar you put into your tea, and that found in things like soft drinks, fruit juice, bread, potatoes, pasta, rice (basically any starchy food) and even alcohol. 

And sugary food damages your skin. Another reason to stay off the stuff if you want to keep young-looking. Alzheimer's is also described by some doctors as 'diabetes 3'. 

Convincing arguments to keep sugar consumption to a minimum.

5. How Not to Die by Dr Michael Greger

One of my most recent reads. Basically, eat plants and lay off the meat, dairy and eggs.

He goes through all 25 of the main reasons why people die. A plant-based diet can help reduce the risk of them all. 

I will probably still eat a bit of cheese (much reduced from the time when I had up to 9 different kinds of cheese in the fridge - but those were the days when supermarkets had cheese counters where you could ask for two slices of one cheese and three of another) and a bit of meat and fish and some eggs, but I have definitely increased my intake of vegetables and I try to eat a portion of mixed berries (now from the freezer section of the supermarket) every afternoon. And don't forget the crushed linseed.

6. La Cerise sur le gâteau by Aurélie Valognes 

This was the last book I read that had a big impact on my life. Just last month. It's a French novel in which a businessman is forced to retire and he doesn't know what to do with himself. His work was his whole life. Then his grandson gets a project at his primary school and he gets involved. It's all about reducing plastic packaging.

Since then, I've got a gadget so I can make single cups of black and green tea rather than use tea bags. I've got a teapot with an in-built strainer. I don't buy yoghurt or rice pudding in plastic containers. I tried the yoghurt in a glass jar - the one alternative option available in my supermarket - but it contains sugar (three times more at least than the plain yoghurt I like). I have a shampoo bar (not so great) and shower get bar (not impressed - I hope better ones are available). The one advantage of them is that when you pack them in a suitcase, you don't have to worry about leaks. And I have a bamboo toothbrush. The one I tried a couple of years ago wasn't so good. But the DM drugstore had this one - designed by Swedes - so I thought it must be better. It is.

Edit on 20 November 2020: I have now stopped using fabric softener. I don't think my clothes are any worse off. It does, however mean one more plastic bottle that I don't have to discard a few times a year.

Oops.. I nearly forgot two of the very early books that had a major influence on me:

a. The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale.

Yeah, go ahead and laugh. I've read this a few times over the years and find it inspiring. I come from a family that often views life as dangerous and negative. But I like the idea of being more dynamic and positive and more 'go-ahead'. 

Also, because of the author, a Presbyterian minister, I donate money. I don't tithe as good Christians are meant to do, but I do donate at least 5% of my pre-tax income and have done for over 20 years. This is all down to reading this book.

b. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: How to Turn Your Fear and Indecision into Confidence and Action by Dr Susan Jeffers

This book is generally regarded as one of the few self-help books worth reading. It's one that I've read a few times as fears don't go away in one go - you have to work on them. Dr Jeffers was a psychologist who helped many people. Basically, I learnt that most people are scared by life, but you're not usually going to die by trying things out. Take a deep breath...and just do it. If you fall flat on your face...so what?

Oeconomia - not so much a documentary than a satire

 Two days after watching I am Greta, I was back in the cinema to see Oeconomia, a German documentary film about how money is made.

What an eye-opener. What a jaw-dropper. 

The director, whom you never see but just hear, interviews major players in the finance world - bankers, heads of insurance companies and the like - about how money is made. Fair play to them that they actually agree to take part. Especially when they suddenly freeze at some of her questions only to say eventually, "That's a good question. I don't know. Can I go away to think about it and then you can ask me again?"

These are the men who are at the top of their profession and they cannot say where all the money comes from and how money is made. 

One example right at the beginning of the film is the imaginary situation in which a Swiss woman goes to the bank and says she wants CHF 310,000 to buy a flat. After checking her creditworthiness, the bank agrees to lend her the money. So they mark down the sum as an outgoing, a debit, but on the other side of the balance sheet, they mark it in the credit column. All of a sudden, the bank has gained CHF 310,000. When the film-maker asks where the money has come from, the bankers cannot reply. Some of them just don't understand the question. And this is where the audience in the cinema just had to laugh.

Banks create money and the economy grows when people take loans. When people take out loans, the economy grows and banks create more money. No wonder constant grows is the Holy Grail of the financial and business world. 

To get a flavour of the film, watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WXqRQmGBx4

As I said, nice men, but rather clueless. They have great difficulty explaining their work. You cannot help but laugh. But it is shocking that the men that run the money system are so ignorant.