What has been "eating" at me recently - and over decades, really - is the treatment I received from my parents while growing up under their roof and even now: criticism, name-calling, belittlment. And in my teenage years, physical abuse, when they took their violent tempers out on me with their hands and slippers and, once, even a wooden stick.
On a visit to the UK at Easter 2019, my father and I were coming back from a visit to an old family friend and, in the car, he said to me, "When you are with other people, you should keep your mouth shut. No-one is interested in hearing what you have to say." Pretty breath-taking from someone who has known you since birth. You'd think he'd be on your side, right? Nope.
Those words really hurt and lockdown didn't help either: I started to withdraw. I've become a bit of a hermit, always looking for a reason to stay at home, even not going to the supermarket round the corner, which means trying to find something to eat in the kitchen. This is why I often organise things such as walks, or tell my students of talks and other events - in an effort to oblige myself to leave my flat and actually meet and mingle with people again.
A few Sundays ago, however, I was invited to a thank-you lunch for various people who had helped a young man on his journey through life so far. As of a week or so, he is now a law student at a prestigious German university. I didn't know any of the other guests I sat next to, apart from the father. And yet, I had pleasant conversations with them and they said they had enjoyed talking to me, one woman even asked me for my contact details.
Two days later, I was at a talk, where people came up to me afterwards and chatted to me, with smiles on their faces, as though they were pleased to see me. And the same thing happened when I walked into a restaurant where an "English club" was taking place: smiles and people coming up to me to talk to me.
How can this be? Two years ago, when my father was celebrating a big birthday, I returned to Wales, for the first time since 2019. And within less than 24 hours, my father "exploded" and shouted at me because I had dared to talk to my aunt when he was talking to her. I just wanted to tell her a quick anecdote about him. I'd not seen my aunt since 2019 either. He was enraged. And I spent four days in tears, because I'm not used to people shouting at me. And that wasn't the only time he shouted at me during that visit either.
At one point, he also mentioned that my sister was "the same". "When she comes by, she talks about herself, too," he complained.
So this is confusing for me. My father tells me to shut my mouth permanently and not talk to people. He complains that I go "poking my nose into other people's lives" and I shouldn't do anything involving other people.
And on the other hand, people want me to "poke my nose" into their lives: story time for toddlers, walks for two groups, classes, social events...I've even given talks that people have paid money to listen to.
So who is right? My father, who has known me since birth? Or strangers who haven't known me for as long as he has?
This is why I withdraw myself from society and stay at home and don't even bother posting here. If my parent isn't for me, why should anyone else be?
